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Fuller House: My 10 Demands

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The release of the Netflix revamp Fuller House is two weeks away, and I approach this date with excitement and hesitation. When you get married, you see sides of your spouse you had never noticed before. My spouse was completely unprepared to witness my Full House fandom.

I remember one time when I was a little girl I was so excited to watch Full House, and had anticipated the event all day. When the time came (I believe it aired at 8pm), I had fallen asleep, only to wake up in time for the closing credits. Inconsolable cannot even begin to describe the state I was in. So, so sad. I was completely beside myself. As my mom was trying to comfort me she said “It’s ok, we’ll get a VCR so we can record Full House and you won’t have to worry about missing it again.” They did get a VCR, and they did record a ton of episodes that my sister and I watched over and over again. Most episodes I can quote word-for-word, especially episodes from the first five seasons.

Obviously, I don’t want Netflix to mess this one up. They’ve already done something right – they got most of the original cast on board. In fact, I think the only exceptions are the Olsen twins, but that’s ok. The Olsen twins have turned into gaunt fashion aliens and I would feel awkward if they made an appearance. Below are ten things that would make my life if they somehow made it back into Fuller house.

1.) MR. BEAR/PILLOW PERSON

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We all know that Pillow Person did not play as central a role as Mr. Bear, but I wanna see both. If DJ was going to argue that Pillow Person was just as important, he better show up at her house years later. Also, I wouldn’t mind if the crimped hair made a come-back too.

2.) FRAMED PINK BUNNY

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Remember when Uncle Jesse was finally allowed to have an adult room, but to appease Stephanie he framed one of the pink bunnies? There was even a montage where he looked at the framed pink bunny and cried. Without the framed pink bunny, Fuller House will be completely unbelievable.

3.) TOMMY PAGE

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I guess Tommy Page was kind of “a thing” during Full House, or maybe Full House made him a “a thing”? Anyway, he’s like this pop star, and I think he was on Wake Up San Francisco, so he surprised Stephanie at her birthday party and sings a song he supposedly wrote for her called “Stephanie”. Stephanie believes Tommy Page is in love with her and then something else happens that makes DJ believe Tommy Page is in love with her, and it ends up in a fight. Turns out the song “Stephanie” was really “Melanie”, named for Tommy Page’s girlfriend.

4.) KATHY SANTONI

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I think Kathy Santoni was supposed to be one of those characters that everyone talked about, but nobody ever saw. “Did you hear about Kathy Santoni? She went in for a filling and came out with her mouth wired shut and she had to eat through a hole in her throat!” But, alas, she did actually make an appearance a time or two. Need me some Kathy Santoni for this revamp to be believable.

5.) A HAWAIIAN ADVENTURE

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Day-glow trunks. Enough said.

6.) THE BEACH BOYS

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Fact: John Stamos was once a member of the Beach Boys, which explains why they were on Full House so freakin’ much. There was that time when Uncle Jesse was trying to get tickets to their concert by calling into a radio station. DJ beat him to it, and she had name-that-tune, to which she replied “Help me Gibbler!” The radio host only heard “help me”, so Uncle Jesse rushes in and shouts “Rhonda!” Then they accidentally ran into The Beach Boys like 10 times after that during the series.

7.) A STEPHANIE TANNER DANCE NUMBER

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As the series went on, it was clear that DJ was full of pre-teen angst and Michelle got all the good lines. What do we do with Stephanie? She could only say “HOW RUDE!” so much. I know! Let’s make dance Stephanie’s thing. Stephanie did a lot of little dances on the show. Most notably she did a solo at a telethon and totally upstaged a singing number by DJ, Michelle and a shopping cart.

8.) ROCKET & BUTTERCUP

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If I know a Full House episode, it’s this one. Did you forget that DJ bought a horse? I don’t even know where in San Francisco you could fit a horse, but nevertheless, DJ was able to secretly buy and stable a horse, until she ran out of money for a stable. So she took Rocket (the horse) for one last ride while “Good Day Sunshine” played on the soundtrack. She rode rocket all the way to her house where she attempted to hide him. For Stephanie’s secrecy, she said she could have the tail of the horse, which Stephanie named Buttercup. Danny Tanner basically had one line in this episode: “There’s a horse in my living room!” By the end of the episode everything was resolved with Becky offered to take the horse to her stables or something. Rocket was never heard from again. I demand answers.

9.) A ROYAL BLUE SWEATER

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This was the episode where we learned about finance. So apparently the Tanner girls get special gifts for Valentine’s Day from their father. I was green with envy. I don’t ever remember getting special Valentine’s Day gifts from my parents. DJ opens her gift and exclaims “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for my new royal blue… socks?” Then Danny swoops in and says “Won’t they go fabulous with your brand new royal blue sweater?!” It was a great moment until DJ took the sweater off and school and it got torn up by a lawn mower. Instead of letting her dad know about her negligence, she heads to the mall and tries to buy another one, but it’s too expensive. Then Stephanie sees this sign:

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She asks the store clerk about it who says “It’s called credit.” So Stephanie puts the sweater in her bag and tells Mr. Bear that she’ll take the sweater now and pay later for it. Once they get it home, DJ can’t get the alarm plastic thingy off, so they create this new style of rolling the side of your sweater to hide it. And that’s how finance works.

10.) DERRICK

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As the series went on into the later seasons, I lost interest. However, those later episodes had one redeeming quality: Derrick. Who today, I hear, is SUPER, thanks for asking.

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What is your list of demands? Let me know in the comments.

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